If These 4 Behaviors Are Present In Your Relationship, It’s Doomed

Orignally published on 2022-01-03 01:02:31 by

The last time you got into a fight with someone close to you, what emotions did you feel? How did you act? Did you criticize the other person, call them names, or roll your eyes as you sat in stony silence? Did you get defensive when they tried to explain what was wrong? Or were you able to joke around and lighten the mood?

Everyone fights, but we differ in how we deal with conflict. And it turns out that how we deal with conflict says a lot about the future of our relationships.

By watching couples fight, researcher John Gottman discovered what not to do if you want to make your relationship last, and published seminal research on what behaviors to avoid if you want a happy ending for your relationship

Gottman discovered that four behaviors are particularly detrimental to relationships. He termed the “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and they are:

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1. Criticism

It’s okay (and can be healthy) to complain about what’s wrong in your relationship. The problem arises when complaining turns into criticizing. A complaint focuses on the event or behavior you want to change, while criticism attacks a partner’s personality. When you find yourself generalizing that your partner “always” or “never” does something, you are falling prey to criticism.

For example, I may want to let my husband know that I find it annoying that we don’t travel very often. I could just tell him that I wish we traveled more. Or I could blame him for this problem and say, “We never travel because you are always so selfish and don’t care about my interests.”

What to do instead: Try to state your complaint without blame. Let your partner know that you are unhappy about something, but don’t make it their fault, and avoid the terms “always” and “never.”

Orignally published on 2022-01-03 01:02:31 by

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